So today was a first: I literally scheduled time to cry (yes, it’s come to this). I gave myself permission, space, and time to feel all my feelings.
To not only acknowledge them, but to let them speak and be heard. To come to the surface. Often we see breaking down as a sign of weakness. So we bury our feelings. We push to “stay positive” and if that doesn’t work we see ourselves as failing to be better, to be stronger.
The truth is, not fully acknowledging your feelings and replacing them with “positive thoughts” (or “solutions)” is not being strong. You aren’t honoring your true self in this time. Stuffing things down and hoping they go away by focusing on something else doesn’t work. That darkness slowly eats at you from the inside out. I know this first hand.
When I “don’t have time to be stressed” and ignore my feelings, it seems like it works for a while. I pretend not to notice that I’m standing on the edge of a cliff. Meanwhile my body slowly (or sometimes quickly) begins to break down. I get sick to my stomach. I have a constant throbbing headache. I become irritable and frustrated more easily. I’m tired but can’t sleep. I start to tirelessly research remedies for the symptoms, wondering why I’m sick yet again. While the whole time, the remedy is free.
So I’m trying something new. I’m letting myself fully feel the bad, the hard. I’m welcoming any and all feelings with open arms and listening carefully.
Today was a powerful day.
I had no concrete expectations. I decided to schedule a time specifically to cry (because I had been repressing this urge to let it flow all weekend). I literally wrote cry on my to-do list in my planner. There was a little check box and everything.
At first as I sat, nothing came. I thought, well this is silly, I guess I’m fine. Then, it all came out. Not just the tears, but the feelings. I let them all come.
There was a lot of hard shit and hard feelings happening. But I sat with them. I pulled up a chair for them. I told them it will be okay. But it’s also okay to be not-okay at this time. I let whatever come and go. In the end what I really felt was relief. My problems were not gone, but I felt supported and oddly refreshed.
“WHERE I AM NOW IS OKAY. I AM WHERE I NEED TO BE”
I learned a huge lesson today. Sitting with myself and acknowledging my own feelings, good or bad, is vital. It may sound stupid (we’re with ourselves all the time), but without stopping to fully listen to and check in with our bodies and minds, and honor any feelings that come up, we remain disconnected. And how can we do the real badass work we want to do when we’re disconnected from our own person?
I want you know if you’ve been checking in lately? What has come up?
photo credit: Igor Son